Jokes » Accountant jokes

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"The auditors have just left, sir. " "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly. " "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet. "

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary. " When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. "

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. " The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. " The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3. 999 and 4. 001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?" The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for. "

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?" The businessman replies, "Both!"

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for. "

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times. "

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock. " The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on. " "Nine hundred and thirty two, " says the man. The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep. " The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation. " The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Righto. You're on". The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Four firm. " The man whistles . "How the heck did you know that?" "Well, " says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you. "

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant. "

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live. " The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant. " "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No, " said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer. "

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something. "

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward t he file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. "

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree, " says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. " "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters. " "OK, " says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand, " says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That, " says the man, "is your first worry. "

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500. " "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well, " replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits. " "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1, 000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4, 000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner. "

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it. "

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old. "

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation. "It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings. " "I'm sorry, " says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself. " "The cost of what?" asks the pilot. "Of the bearings you lost. "

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him. "Hello, " he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep. "

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins. "

Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party: ". . . . . . . and ninthly. . . "

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.

How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8. 30.

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