Jokes » Restaurant jokes
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"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. "What do you mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter. "You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other. " "The auditors have just left, sir. " "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly. " "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet. " "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate, " answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No. . . . " replied the new waitress with some effort, "just. . . erm. . . . vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate. " "What's the matter with your dinner?" "Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten !" 'We're going to play elephants and circuses, ' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in?' 'I'd love to, 'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to do?' 'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !' A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary. " When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. " A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help" "Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !" A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. " The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. " The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3. 999 and 4. 001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job. A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?" The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for. " A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?" The businessman replies, "Both!" A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for. " A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times. " A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that, " the woman says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish, " she replies. A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock. " The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on. " "Nine hundred and thirty two, " says the man. The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep. " The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation. " The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Righto. You're on". The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Four firm. " The man whistles . "How the heck did you know that?" "Well, " says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you. " A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist. " The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . " A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant. " A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. " "You'll have to wait your turn, sir, " replied the harried and now irritated waiter, "I can only serve one table at a time. " A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves. " A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live. " The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant. " "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No, " said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer. " A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something. " A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward t he file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. " A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree, " says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. " "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters. " "OK, " says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand, " says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That, " says the man, "is your first worry. " Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking". An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500. " "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well, " replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits. " "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1, 000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4, 000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner. " An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it. "Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10