Jokes » Blonde jokes
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'Have you heard my knock-knock joke?' asked the blonde. 'No, ' said the brunette. 'Okay, ' said the blonde, 'you start.' . . . Q. ) Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?A. ) Because red means Stop.
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked. A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!" A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend. " But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet. " Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money. " The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!" A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature. The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh i know. " So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle. She poured it on the rabit and they both got in the car. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved. Then dissapered over it. The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?" His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave. " A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure, " he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces. " "Look on the box, " he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is. " "It's a big rooster, " she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box. " A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, 'I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?' Her mother replied, 'Of couse it is, dear. ' The next day, the blonde said, 'I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?' Her mother replied, 'Of course it is dear!' The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, 'I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?' Her mother replied, 'No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old. " A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. "Please state the nature of your emergency, " says the operator. "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies. "Okay, where do you live?" "In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies. "No, no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly. "Duh! Big Red Truck!!" A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousn ess or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off. A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help. "What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me. " "Well, " says the clerk, "that depends on the flow. " She says, "It's ceramic tile. " A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV - it's a microwave. " A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. " "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day. . . we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest. " The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. " The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know, " he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No, " re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!" A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. " Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart. . . " A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed. " "Oh my goodness, " exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!" A blonde once shot an arrow into the air. . . but missed! A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it 'Curl Up and Dye.' A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it. . . " The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!" A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe. A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please. " The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year. " A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. "Here we go again. " A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. . . " A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13