Jokes » Car and train jokes

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"Take the wheel, Harry!" said the nervous lady driver. "There's a tree coming straight for us!"

"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. " "If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you. "

"Where's the car?" asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home. "Did I take it out?" "Yes, you drove it to school this morning. " "I suppose you're right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd gone. "

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf !'

A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every time the train stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all shops to purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and every time he was remembering that's all happened because I am in the last couch. When he got down at the destination station, he asked the station person that he wants to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: " There should not be any last couch in the train. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know, " the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband, " the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either. "

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses. " When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation. "

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked. "An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians

A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed. The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you, " he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles. "

A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up, "what the hell was that?". The truck driver replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep. " Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?", "some kinda animal again. " Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?", "Some bastard!". "How terrible", says the hitch-hiker, "but there were 3 bangs" The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to get the bastard. . . "

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone. " The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator. " The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, " the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of th e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water. " The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500, 000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500, 000. " "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You' re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol. " So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either. " The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front. " The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says, "Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception. In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on Along the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty son of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the hit and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells, "Don't worry i got him with the gas can!"

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave. " At 7:00 p. m. , the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you idiot. "

A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo. " The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me. "

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Moron!" They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A man was fed up of having his car broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he would remove it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there is no point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new note where his had left his, saying just checking. !

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices, " said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE. "

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. "How did you manage to do that?" he fumed. "Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!"

A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up The man at the petrol station replies: You have to have a car for me to do that!. The monster replies: But I had a car for lunch!

A motorist ran into a shop. "Do you own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No, " replied the manager. "Oh dear, " said the motorist, "I must have run over a nun. "

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