Jokes » Christmas jokes

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"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?" "He said it was too tight. "

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!' 'Oh, yes I can. ' the elf said. 'Because tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

A football supporter's favourite Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'

A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!

A rabbit's favourite Christmas song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'

Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!

Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!

Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear watson.

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party?
It was a scream !

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true. . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.

Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell! Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed. . . you'll soon drop off!

ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!

ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !

Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch out. . . there's a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!

Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I'm on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!

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