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A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. " Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie. " "A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu. " She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche. " Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy. " "No, " Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT. " A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved. . . that would be a tragedy. " "I'm afraid not, " explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS. " The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, T HAT would be tragedy. " "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well, " says the boy, "because it couldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They're called "The Johnson Years". Clinton goes around telling people we humans are genetically 99. 9% similar. Apparently the 0. 1% is the character gene. During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. " Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?" Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain. " Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart. " Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?" Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?They were both dating the same girl in high school.
If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again" Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today. " She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States. " One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP! HELP!' When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 'I want a boat. ' The second boy said 'I want a truck. ' And the third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with are names all on them. ' Bill Clinton said, 'why is that son?' The little boy said, 'because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!' One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, " advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, " advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Abe replied, "Go to the theater. " President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes, Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away. President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute. "I'd salute you back, Sergeant, " says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full. " "Yes, sir, " replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs. " "Why, these aren't pigs, " the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!" "Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir. " "Yup, " Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary. " The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade. " Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?Pres: Improper? . . . Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer? A. Chelsea Clinton Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?A: The United States of America.
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?A: There is White-out on the screen.
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