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"Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph. D. " "What does Ph. D. stand for?" "in his case, Pin-headed Dope. "

"Now my motto in life, " said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?" "My motto is let bygones be bygones. " "That's good. Why did you choose that?" "Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

"Professor, I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?" "Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around. "

"Where are my shoes?" asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended. "They're on your feet, " said one of the students. "So they are, " said the professor. "It's a good thing you saw them, or I would have gone home without them!"

A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new. "An old flame? I asked. He winked and said, "More like an unlit match. "

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer. " The student received an "A" on the exam. A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent. " Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, "Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?"

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, okay, " responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy his time?" She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him. " "That's $1020!" yelled her husband. Are you crazy?" "Don't worry, Hon, " she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English, " he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. " A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right. "

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. "Professors haven't got bad memories, " he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?" "Yes, " said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?" "Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question. "

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature. " The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, " replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment. " He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know . . . mat h always was a little hard to swallow. "

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, "What do you think of bilingualism?" "Oh, I think it's okay, " said the boy, "if it's between consenting adults. "

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual tip?" "Well, " replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great. " "Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars. " "Thanks, " replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund. " "What are you studying?" asked Bud. The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology. "

All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done. One night Grady heard a noise under his bed. Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered, "Anybody there?" "No, " said the burglar. "That's funny, " the boy said to himself. "I could have sworn I heard a noise!"

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something. " The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money. "

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me, " inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?" "Well, let's see, " replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now. "

And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds. "Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?" asked one of the girls. "No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident. "

Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria. During the course of the conversation, Biddle said, "A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!" "Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!"

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one student indignantly. "What's it taste like?" asked the cook. " "Glue!" "Then it's apple pie the plum pie tastes like soap. "

Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?

Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

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