Jokes » Computer jokes
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"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?" " My right hand. " " Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch. " "This little computer, " said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. " Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. " - Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer? - Well, dear. . . Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down". . . . . . . . Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!? A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly. A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it 'could not find the printer. ' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still could not 'see' the printer. A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually. A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key. A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, " the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks. " A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes. A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5. " Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the firs t question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer. Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep. A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?There isn't even a keyboard attached?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us, " he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete, " proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live. " Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smarest man in the world, " bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane. " "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack. " A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish. " The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east. " The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits. " The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes" Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again. " A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance, " he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account. " A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know, " said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. " "No, no, " said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I 've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. " "Well, " said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"I know, " said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. " "No, no, " said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time a t all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. " "Well, " said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS". "G. O. O. D" answered his wife. A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . " A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room. A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe. " After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?" "Of course. " DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?" "Of course. " DED: Then why are you calling me?" "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty, " pleaded the frustrated purchaser. "Of course there is, " replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover. " There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. " The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7