Jokes » Criminal jokes

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"Dad, " said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow. " "OK, son, " said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes. "

"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor, " replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!' "

'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike, ' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why?' 'I've put a file in your cake.'

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out?
Through the doorway - there were no doors remember !

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes, " replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly. "You must think I'm daft, " said the officer. "You stand here and I'll get it. "

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here, " the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune. " Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it, " muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are eve rywhere. "

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car. . . Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!" "Don't you mean a stick up?" asked the girl. "No, " said the robber, "it's a muckup. I've forgotten my gun. "

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning. " "Who shall I call, " her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off. " The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem. " A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?" "Ya, that vill be done, " says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya. " The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well, " begins the Brit, "could you just. . . " The German snapped , "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?
Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.

Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?
Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home. "

Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?
Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.

How do bank robbers send messages?
By flee mail!

I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!

If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man, what would you have?
Organised grime (crime).

It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. "Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door. "What's going on, here?" asked Rocky. "Well, " said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number. " So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found r?
the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it, " asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?" "Well, " said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"

Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark, sir.

Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till? Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.

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