Jokes » Dirty jokes
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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market. " "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me. " "Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn. " the male voice whispered. "Scheesch! You're good. " she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hello's?" A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr. , still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it. A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits. " A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air. " The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?" A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis. " The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent! Let's try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth. " A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer. " The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?" A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide. " "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms. " A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!" A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex. " Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too. " A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week. " The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat. " A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?" A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look, " the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet. " A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth. . . and on the back: . . . and I will fill your cavity. A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls. " With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says. . . "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket! A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got. " A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer. " A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar. " A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me. " A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine. " Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again. " she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy! A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam. " The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough. " She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough. " She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough. " She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?" A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin', " say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, bot h looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?" A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son" A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor. " "It's rather embarrassing" the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection. " "Well, the doctor is very busy today" the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in. " A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way. " The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week. " So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before. " He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the crate!" A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No. " > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes. " He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend. " A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, " you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently, " the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard. " "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. " The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great, "the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13