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Jokes » Dirty jokes

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Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Question: What do elephants use for tampoons?
Answer: Sheep.

Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Answer: Mega-sore-ass.

Question: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Answer: A Lickalotopus.

Question: What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub?
Answer: One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

Question: What's another name for pickled bread?
Answer: Dill-dough.

Question: What's the difference between sin and shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.

Question: Why do men always give their penis a name?
Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask. The woman says, "unbutton your shirt. " he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too. "

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby, " she said. "Foreplay is an art. " "You better get your canvas ready soon, " he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period, " reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that, " she said, "but what is so exciting about a period. " "Damned if I know, " said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself. "

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom, " she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy. " The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing. . . " "I know how to fuck, mother, " the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna. "

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private, " the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses. " "Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea. " The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir. "

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock. "

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates. " The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we. "

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple. . . . . . . . . nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D. C.

There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself. . . the first old lady had a stroke. . . the second old lady had a stroke. . . but sadly the third old lady couldn't reach!!!

These two old men are in a nursing home. They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference. " Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything. " The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window. "

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

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