Jokes » Dirty jokes
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This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid. This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: " I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten" This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth. " The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair. " This women had a magic morror from which anything you wanted you got, so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up stairs and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off ! Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex. So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day the meet. The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours. " The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that. " The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming. " Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!" Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey, " she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. " The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis. . . . . . fifty times" Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?" Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is. " Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom, " the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. " "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore. " The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. " The pharmacist fainted. Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?" The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?" The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?" The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour. " Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted, " replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me. " "I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired, " said George. Richard yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night. " Two postmen are on break having a cigarette. While on this break one postman says "Hey look at that snail". The other postman looks down and says "FUCK" and step steps on the snail. Postman 1 looks at him and says "Why'd you do that". Postman2 replys "Because that fucker has been following me all day. " Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way, " he pleads. "Well, maybe, " she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us. " The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing. " The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Moooo . . . . . Moooooo . . . . . . Moooooooon River . . . . . . . !" Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So, "says the second drunk, "what's your point" "Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!" What are the two greatest lies?"The check is in the mail, " and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth. "
What are three words you dread the most while making love?"Honey, I'm home. "
What did Adam say to Eve?Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?"I don't know why you're shaking. . . she's gonna EAT me!"
What did the egg say to the boiling water?"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago. "
What did the egg say to the boiling water?"It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night. "
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
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