Jokes » Dirty jokes
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A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the king. "Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west. " "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh!" said the knight, "Well, you do now. " A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher. " To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out. " A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?" A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie. " She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too. " A little old lady shaking violently as she walks in to the pharmacy asks the salesperson "do you sell vibrators". Surprised by the request, the sales person says yes! The little old lady says: "Well, how do you turn the damn things off!" A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door. "Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly, " she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns. " "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe. " Oh, of course. " she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out. " A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies, "Hell no!" The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then. " A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she replies. A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?" A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'. . . give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw. . . . . . . " "So. . . ????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!" A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and, the same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man got the nerve and asked "what was wrong?" She said that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. "Oh!" the man said, are you taking anything for it?"Yes", she said - "black pepper!"
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her. . . they kiss. . . and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar, " the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding. " "Look, Mac, " the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents, " came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here, " the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business. " A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it. " The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100. A man went into a store to buy some condoms. "That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax, " said the store assistant. "I don't need tacks, " said the man. "It'll stay up all by itself. " A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes. " Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse. " The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out. " A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off. " A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling, " the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. " A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army, " the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast. " Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you. " A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe, " said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity. " "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week, " the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. " "One Sunday morning, " he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?' A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?. Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes. " A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill. " said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked. " A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. " "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell. " "My dear, " the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is. " "The problem is, " she complained, "it wakes me up!" A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue. " The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave. " Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning Walter!" A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore. " The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that. " The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute. ". "No, that is still too crude. Try again. " They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer. " The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5, 000 cocks last year. "Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13