Jokes » Dirty jokes
This category has 322 jokes.Currently viewing page 3/13
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor. "Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style. " "I see, " said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!" A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely, " said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself, " she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old. . . how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. . . I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!" A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green. The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a Romany. When she said yes the doctor said "Well tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!!!" Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100. 00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy. " Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10. 00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy. " Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1. 00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy. " Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy. " An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones, " the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today, " explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. " "True, senor, " agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose. " An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid' An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well, " says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle. " An elderly man visits his doctor. "Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit. " "Very well, let me see your sex organs, please. " The aged patient replied o. k. "And stuck out his index finger and his tongue. " An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. " A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old. "So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked. "Of course not, " the old man replied. "But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty. " An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman's distraught and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old man smiles and says, "Parkinson's disease" An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry, " The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema. " The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!" Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. . . you've seen one, you've seen them all. " Madge says, "I KNOW. . . but this one's eating my POPCORN!!" An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. Mr. Jones replied simply, "Today is the viewing. " Are birth control pills deductible?Only if they don't work.
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah, " the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly. " She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN. '" At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth. " Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth. " His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father. " Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth. " The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother. " Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth. " The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug. " Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view. "Oh, stop it, " the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me. " Did u know that a condom had a serial number? No, I never had to unroll one that far. Did you ever blow bubbles as as child? Yeh, well he's back in town and wants your new number. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job?". "Hundred Bucks". "OK", he said and began to jerk off. "What the hell are you doing that for?" "For hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one, do you?" How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her. How do you know you're leading a sad life?When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends. "
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13