Jokes » Dirty jokes
This category has 322 jokes.Currently viewing page 4/13
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron, " then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener. I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute. " What am I, a microwave? I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now. " If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow. In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!" The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup. " Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter. " The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy. " A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter. " "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?" Male secretary : "Feel free to use my dictaphone. " New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else. " Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me, " she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad. " On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50. " He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?" Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both. " The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?" "Oh, tha t, " mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for. " One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird. " He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest. " So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs. " She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird, and he said "ok. " When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!" One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said "the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so. And Little Johnny said, " well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!" One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. " One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. " One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family. " So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!" One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. " While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. " This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. " The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future. " Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend. " "That's true, " said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes, " Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters. " Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love, " she said, "I get splinters. " So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper, " said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio. Q . what did the sign on the whore house say?A: Beat it we are closed Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. Q. What do you call 1, 000 heavily armed lesbians?A. Militia Etheridge
Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13