Jokes » Doctor and nurse jokes
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"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus. " "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia. " "Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?" "Quite simple, " said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out. " "Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head. " "What do you want a cod's head for?" "Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!" "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks. " "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill. " "What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse. " "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me, " he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward. " "Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc, this is my first operation. " "Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all. " 1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember, " the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field. " Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?" Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, "Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin. " A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it?Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed. " "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion. " A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor, " says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not, " replies the doctor. "That's funny, " says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before. " A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. "Oh, no, " replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour, " replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse, " asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?" "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse. A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. " The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots. " A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!" A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly. " A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. " "But doc, " protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia. " "I know, " said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia. " A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. "Doctor, you've got to help me!" he wailed. "What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. "I keep having the same dream, night after night. There's this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open. " "What does the sign say?" asked the Doctor. "Pull, " said the patient. A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me, " he said, "have you lost something?" "No, " replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone. " A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey. " One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?" A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well. " A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!. " The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor. " A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific. " The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts. " Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too. " Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger. " Dentist: $100. 00. Patient: $100. 00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand, " they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands. " She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist. " Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing. "Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7