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"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull. " "That's a shame. " said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!" "Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?" "No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face. " "Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet. The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!" A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm, " muses the Brit. "They must be British. " "Nonsense, " the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. " "No clothes, no shelter, " the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian. " A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex. " Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too. " A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. " Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!" A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. " "You're a brave man, " said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is. " The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear. " A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked. "The side that pays your fee, " replied the doctor. A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear. " A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth ing you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you. " "My darling, " he replied, " think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. " A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off. " A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. " The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh. . . I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents! An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it. " Do vampires get AIDS? Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?Mom ! I see an angel.
Does killing time damage eternity? How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . . " One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. " Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?A. He is usually home with the kids!
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?A: Slow clowns.
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars. " "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. "Page: 1 :: 2