Jokes » Heaven and hell jokes

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A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas. " "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie studio. The Director is confused. "Then what's the difference, " he asks. Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually *make* movies. "

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes, ' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now. ' 'Well, ' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter. ' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter, ' the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter, ' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this s hack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before. "

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. " Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. " The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter. " Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell. " Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. " "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, " said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the f loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here. " Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this, " says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator. . . "

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter "Public Practitioner, " is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span, " says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible. " "Why do you say that?" "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three. "

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu. . . "

How do angels greet each other? They say, Halo.

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time. "And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou rt without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck. "

Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here. " Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?" Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time. "This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell. " Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell. When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look s around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid. " "What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!" Sid says, "You mean that monitor?" "Yes, " says Morty. "Oh, well, that was just the pilot. "

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven, " said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you. " "No problem, just let me in. " said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. " "Actually, I think I've made up my mind. . . I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules. . . " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d oors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven, " he said.
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So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity, " he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell. " So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand, " stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable. " The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff. "

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury. " After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell. ' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity. ' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over. "

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. " The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic. " St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1, 228, " he answered. "That's right! You may enter. " St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them. "

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good. " The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer. "

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman, " he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. " "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates. " A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman, " he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. " "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. " A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman, " he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir. " "Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well, " said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches. " "I know, and that's all right, " Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires. "

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father, " he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance. " St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here. "

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free, " Peter replied, "this is Heaven. " Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free. " Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with r?
the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part. . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. " With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O. K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O. K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man. " The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow. " The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

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