Jokes » Idiot and fool jokes

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"Can you read Chinese?" "Yes, but only when it's printed in English. "

"How come you're only watering half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. "I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain. "

"Say, your house is burning. " "That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one. "

"What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise. "

"Why do rednecks act like such morons?' "Who says they're acting?"

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher. "

A boy went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried on this escalator. ' The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack. The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?" The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack. " The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?" The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Don't dive? there's no water in that pool!" "That's all right, " said the man. "I can't swim!"

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. "What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well, sir, " came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Goodbye'. " "And what happens if you pull both strings at once?" "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.

A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. 'You can't go home in this, ' said one of his friends, ' you'd better stay the night. ' 'That's very kind of you, ' said the boy. ' I'll just run home and get my pyjamas.'

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy. . . not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides. "

A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, "Hello, Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied, "I'm taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth. "

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible. "

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line, " barked the NCO. "Why did you come back?" "Because there's already somebody there!"

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong, " said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep. "

An idiotic laborer was told by an equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Don't be daft, man, " he replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it. "

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!

And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. "File the beak just a little, " said the owner, "and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die. " Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. "He died, " said Calvin. "But I told you not to file the beak too much. " "I didn't, " explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead. "

Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella. "No, " said Mario. "Who wrote it?"

Chaffee could talk on any subject whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly he didn't. One day his neighbor Nibley could stand no more. "Do you realize, " asked Nibley, "that you and I know all there is to be known?" "Do you really think so?" said Chaffee. "How do you figure that?" "Easy, " answered Nibley. "You know everything except that you're a damn idiot. And I know that!"

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