Jokes » Marriage jokes
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"And how's yer wife, Pat?" "Sure, she do be awful sick. " "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!" "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No, " she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him. " "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market, " said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me. " "Get this. " said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything. " his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk. " "Honey, " said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper. " "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that. " "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married. " "I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" "I was in a very generous mood today, " a woman says to her friend. "I gave a poor beggar $25. " "Thats a lot of money to give away, " says her friend. "What did your husband say?" "He said, 'Thank you'. " "Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes. "I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again. " "The thrill is gone from my marriage, " Brian told his best friend Mike. "Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together. " "Forget it, " said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked. " "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no, " replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport. " The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no, " said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed. " Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. " "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds. " "Mrs. O'Connor, " the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now, " said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation. " "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah, " replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along. " "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common, " said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract', " was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was. " A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up. " A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked. "Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work, " he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas. " "No I didn't, " she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!" A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy. " The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No, " and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a br other, would he like spinach?" A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No. " The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No. " Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony" A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things. " "Well, " the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!" A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, " explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. " "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once. ' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice. ' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead. " "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'Thats once. '" A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what?" "What, dear?" his wife asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck. " A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea. " The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake. " A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing, " said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you. " "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift. " "Yes, " she said, "but I'm their real mother. " A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300. " "Easy, Dad, " the boy replied. "I earned it hiking. " "Come on, " the father said. "Tell me the truth. " "That is the truth, " the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!" A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses. . . one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?" The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike. " sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you. "Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9