Jokes » Mental health jokes
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"Great news, Mr. Oscarson, " the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. " "Gee, that's great, Doc, " the patient replied. "And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. " "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?" "Well, " suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. " "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home, " the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home. " The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live. "No, no, no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine, " said the salesman, "I'm selling spectacles. " "The trouble is, " said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!" "Then why don't you give up show business?" "I can't - I'm a star!" A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area. "This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor. The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself. " "Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we're not connected for electricity yet!" A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat. " And the owner says "Sold, " and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish. " And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats. " A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: "Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!" A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure. " The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white. " A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only. " Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. " They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain. " The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome. " Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain. " They still want to do better, and so, knowing there nare still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome. " The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. "
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. " The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. " The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. " The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee p a secret. . . " A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?" A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents. " A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers. " A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10, 000 words per day, whereas women use 20, 000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?" A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted. " - The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine. " A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you. " They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, " she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye. " A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is. " The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch. " A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No, " he answered. "I'm only after one thing. " As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male. " A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this. " "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. " "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. " The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e njoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women. " "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem, " the man replied. "My wife does. " A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish. " The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy. " The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?" A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said, " I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only. " The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women. " POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates. A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it. " As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans. " A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite. " A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, "Wait, Fellow! Please don't do that !!!" The salesman said, "Why not?" and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics. Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12