Jokes » Mental health jokes
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"Great news, Mr. Oscarson, " the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. " "Gee, that's great, Doc, " the patient replied. "And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. " "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?" "Well, " suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. " "The trouble is, " said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!" "Then why don't you give up show business?" "I can't - I'm a star!" A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. " The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. " The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. " The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee p a secret. . . " A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?" A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents. " A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers. " A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is. " The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch. " A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this. " "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. " "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. " The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e njoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women. " "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem, " the man replied. "My wife does. " A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it. " As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans. " A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions, " he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy. " He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny. " He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy. " At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go home. " A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem. " A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips. " A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo. "I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! " After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck. " "Oh, he didn't kill himself, " Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry. " Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch? Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened?I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage !
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank! And how long have you had this complaint?What complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket. You do look a little pail. Doctor, doctor, I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and don't stir. Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint?Who wants to know?
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live. Wait a minute please.Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3