Jokes » Money jokes

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'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensive, isn't it?' 'Next!'

'I can't find my dollar bill, ' Jane sobbed. 'Don't worry, ' her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far today.'

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those. " I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express. "

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here. "

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place. "

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. "Oh yes, I've done that, " said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life. "

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend. " "What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education. "

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5. 00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5. 00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

A little monster was learning to play the violin, ' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother. 'You should be on the radio, ' said his brother. 'You think I'm that good?' 'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979. " "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No, " said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac. "

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. 'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?' 'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'

At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army. "

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years. " "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you?
Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity, " said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity. "

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.

How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?
If it's a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

How can you double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.

How can you get rich by eating?
Eat fortune cookies.

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