Jokes » Monster jokes

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'Here's a good book, ' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead. ' 'No, thank you, ' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .'

1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days?
2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh, what's he studying?
2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying him!

A monster walked into the council rent office with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other. You see, he was $15 in arrears.

A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor's shop. 'I'd like to see a suit that will fit me, ' he told the tailor. 'So would I, sir, ' said the tailor. 'So would I.'

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop. 'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'

Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three headed mountain monster? Girl: Really? What kind of fur? Boy: As fur away as possible!

Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs at him? Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.

Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.

Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag. mons

Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.

Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid.

Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club? They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!

Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp? He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.

Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.

Did you hear about the monster with one eye at the back of his head, and one at the front? He was terribly moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with himself.

Did you hear the joke about the two monsters who crashed?
They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.

Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin. Igor: But what's it for? Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.

FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a monster with one hand. SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't! FIRST HUMAN BOY: Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.

FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner? SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.

FIRST MONSTER: I fancy eating the city of Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me? SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I can't stand Chinese food.

First monster: I have a hunch. Second monster: I thought you were a funny shape.

FIRST MONSTER: I'm going to a party tonight. SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you? FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.

First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's hanging out. Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your necktie!

First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me. Second monster: Well you'd better roll them back to her, she might need them.

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