Jokes » Music jokes

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"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor, " the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter. " "Ah, yes, " recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah. . . . I was up playing my bagpipes. "

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one, " confessed the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany me. " "Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it. "

A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing. "

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. "Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!" "Don't worry, " said the violist, "just fake it. "

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down. " The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

An eight-year-old kid says t his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician. " The dad says, "I am sorry -- can't have it both ways. "

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"

Hey buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page, " he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire. "

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who?
Bach to work!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bass ! Bass who?
Bass the salt and pepper please !

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bassoon ! Bassoon who?
Bassoon things will be better !

Knock Knock Who's there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who?
Beethoven is too hot !

One day the bass player hid one of the drummer's sticks. The drummer said, "finally! After being a drummer for so long, now I am a conductor!"

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is a heart like a musician?
A. They both have a beat :)

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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