Jokes » Old age jokes
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"Grandma, why don't you drink tea anymore?" "I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat. " "What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out. "I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. " The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup. " "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee. " "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck. " "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy. " "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old. " "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive. " A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?" He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!" A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now. " A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure. " A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am. " said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse, " the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one. " "No, no, no, get the brown one. " the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken. " said the farmer. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him. " At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth, " she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child. " "Well, then, " snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?" A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing. " The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-u p job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, " he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans. " The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look, " he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace. A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing. " The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up jo b on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, " he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans. " The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look, " he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, " she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, " he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise. " "That's amazing, " the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six, " he said. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50. " The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth. " A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified, she let out a shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. "Don't let it bother you, miss, " he moaned. "I'll never live to tell anyone. " An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen. " She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure. " She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that. " She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that. " He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. " With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that. " He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast. " An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. " "So he's in the woods, " the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest. " "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear, " the man said. "Exactly. " An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well, sir, " replied the villager, "we ain't got one now. He died last week. " An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen. " She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure. " Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that. " "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett er write that down cause I know you'll forget that, " his wife said. "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down. " With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that. " He went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast. " An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny. . . " After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was. " An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week. " An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know, " said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat. " An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first. " Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. " Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. " Are you getting older and wiser? No, he's getting older and wider!Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3