Jokes » Parent jokes

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"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?" asked Rupert. "Okay, " replied his father, "but don't stand too close. "

"Dad, " said Rickey, "what is electricity?" "Uh, " replied his father, "I don't really know too much about electricity. " A few minutes later the boy said, "How does gas make the engine go?" "Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about motors. " "Dad, " said the boy, "what is anthropology?" "Anthropology?" The father frowned. "I really don't know. " "Gee, Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself. " "Not at all, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything. "

"Dad, do you believe in Buddha?" "Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good. "

"Dad, why do you write so slow?" asked Dennis. "I have to, " replied his father. "I'm a slow reader. "

"Honey, " said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, "Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia. " "Encyclopedia, my eye!" exclaimed Beldon. "Let him walk to school like I did. "

"Papa, who was Hamlet?" "You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was. "

"Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions, " said the father. "I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd asked as many questions when I was a boy. " "Perhaps, " said the boy, "you'd've been able to answer some of mine. "

"What are you reading?" demanded the father of his seven-year-old. "A story about a cow jumping over the moon, " was the reply. "Throw that book away at once, " he commanded. "How many times have I told you you're too young to read science fiction?"

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again, " the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me. "

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no. " The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long. " He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out. " The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap. " The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen. . . " The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy. . . I'm Ellen. "

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: "It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. . . [Five minutes later] "Da-ad. . . " "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out. " [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad. . . " "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. . . Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD. . . " "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, " said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations. " The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise. " "I see, " replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations. " "I hate office work, " said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day. " "Wait a minute, " said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy, " said the young man. "Buy me out. "

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. " In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me, " she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers. " "You're right, " she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind. " "That's a good idea, " the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey. "

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no, " answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children. " "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so, " replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get. "

An irate father stormed into the principal's office. "I demand to know, " he screamed, "why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination. " "Now, don't get excited, " said the principal. "We'll get your Winslow's English teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation. " A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. "Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?" demanded the father. "I had no choice, " said the schoolmarm. "He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it. " "That's no excuse, " shouted the father. "You could have at least given him an 'A' for neatness!"

At dinner, Seth said to his father, "Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your fault. " "How's that?" asked the master of the house. "Remember I asked you how much $500, 000 was?" "Yeah, I remember. " "Well, 'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer. "

Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, "Gee, you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything. " "Now, son, " scolded Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your mother's little faults. "

Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister's fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads. Dad: No, I'm not coming out. She's going to have to learn to look after herself.

Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you to eat all your sister's birthday chocs. It's all right Dad, I know how !

Dad: Why is your January report card so bad?
Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !

Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father?
They called him Dad !

Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies, "My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!"

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