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"Are you a member of any organized political party?" "No. I'm a Republican. " A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. " The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. " The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. " The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. " The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. " The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. " The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. " No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!" A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. " "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. " "This is my final position, and I will not compromise!" A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat. " "Then, " asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican, " boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too. " The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" The teacher paused and smiled. "Then, " Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat. " A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work. " An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks. " The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks. " The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!" A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise. . . '" A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant, " replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" lawyer asked. "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars, ' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers, ' so I let it go, " minister replied. A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!" The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you. " "Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!" A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States. " The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?" A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father. " "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!" A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Pres says: "You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!" A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars. A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?" "About 5 feet 2 inches, " he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the teacher. . "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?" "Well, " replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says. . "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!" A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no, " the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway. " An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died. " So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die. " So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, th e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag. " At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue. " "That is absurd, " Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am. " Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head. " Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree. Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices. Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years. Definition: Politics Poli (Poly): Many. . . . Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement. Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it. Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws. Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning. Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too, all year round. Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls. " Young Democrat's favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. " Republican's favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas. " Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas. " Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street. " Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life. " Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard. "Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4