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"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went. " "You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore, " protested Jack. "Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you, " Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack. "Yup, " Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot. " A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls, " the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!" A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot, " he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That, " he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt. " A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball, " says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean, " scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem, " says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it. " "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy, " says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed. " "Okay, " says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once . "Just one question, " he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "Ummm, I found it. " A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball, " says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean, " scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem, " says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it. " "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy, " says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed. " "Okay, " says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question, " he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "I found it. " A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, " she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'" A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship. " The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat. " The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft. " Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter "They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
A true story, according to the LA Times. . . . . Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?" Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!" A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. " With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall. " After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes, " the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well, " said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded. . . "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb. " Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned. Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it. " Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball. " Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated !
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated!
Did you hear about the underwater snooker player?He was a pool shark!
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player, " he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition. " "Batted . 007, " his wife added. Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine, " he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee. " "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. " Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!" Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to. " Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Caddy: "Eventually. " Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course. " Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth. " Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. " Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long. " Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"Page: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6